I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
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Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Always leave them wanting their money back.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone