When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
i choose….tongue
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband