My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you