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Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
These 3D printers are insane!
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”