Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of copymama's best tweets

@copymama : A Parenting Mad Lib: Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

@copymama: Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

@copymama: 5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

@copymama: Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

@copymama: My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

@copymama: Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

@copymama: Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

@copymama: I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

@copymama: Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

@copymama: When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.