Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of copymama's best tweets

@copymama : My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn't hurry up she'd leave without us, & we never saw her again.

@copymama: Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I'm tweeting this from the closet.

@copymama: “Wait, the video is almost over!” - any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

@copymama: Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

@copymama: My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

@copymama: Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

@copymama: My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

@copymama: A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

@copymama: Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

@copymama: 5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.