Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
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I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.