Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of coryrichardson_'s best tweets

@coryrichardson_ : [training to be a crime investigator] investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people

@coryrichardson_: CEO: where do you see yourself in 5 years

me: hopefully in your chair

[5 years later]

me: *in the CEO's chair*

CEO: *calling security* there's a homeless man in my chair

@coryrichardson_: cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar

me: i don't have any money

cashier: then put it back

me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us

@coryrichardson_: [catching up with an old friend]

me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast

@coryrichardson_: me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD... a pretty huge d-

her: Don't say it, im leaving

[later]

me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn't like dolphins

@coryrichardson_: [at wife's office party]

wife: don't show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille

me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie

@coryrichardson_: [movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water