*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
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I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?