interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
we’re dead?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
welcome back