Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
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I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”