God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
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I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.