My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
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McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.