Alexa, make me look good naked.
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I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain