Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.