[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
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[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Kermit goes Blue.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!