when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office