I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
You Might Also Like
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
found this cool rock hiking today
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST