*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
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[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Every photo I’m tagged in
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.