The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
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DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie