Foo fighters still fighting foo.
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[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
man: wait
time: no
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess