Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
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When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.