Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
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YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!