[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
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Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I know a bad idea when I see one.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what