ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
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Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
#dalle2
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now