If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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Always…
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.