Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
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Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling