Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
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Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I’m not proud
Investing in beetcoin
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
next level snooze
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!