no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
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I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*has no idea what a book even is*
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping