I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
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PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.