Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
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I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.