yeet
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yeah 😭
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Just so funny