Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.