Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of d_duhwit's best tweets

@d_duhwit : Robber: Nothin. Looks like someone's been here before us. Robber2: Ya, and they sure trashed the place. Me *from under bed*: Maybe he's just been busy.

@d_duhwit: Any speed can be 'breakneck' speed if you're clumsy enough.

@d_duhwit: Me: I treat my body like a temple. *Leaves body in mexican jungle for 500 years*

@d_duhwit: Me: Cool car. I like the heated seats but they almost make it feel like I peed my pants. Lol
Her: It doesn't have heated seats.
Me: I have peed my pants.

@d_duhwit: Neighbor: Hey I'm sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn.
Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog's lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.

@d_duhwit: Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.

@d_duhwit: Wife: No one's ever gunna buy your hip hop cooking album. Get a job! *sweeps my papers off the kitchen counter *
Me: MY RECIBEATS!

@d_duhwit: *baby crying on plane*
Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse then a baby crying on a plane.
Me *pulling out kazoo*: Let's find out.

@d_duhwit: First day as waiter

Boss: Can you clear table 5?
Me: Well I haven't done track and field since high school but. *runs at table..

@d_duhwit: Me:"But if, as the sign says, there are 'no right turns' can u really fault me for making a wrong one."
Cop:"Thats deep but, yes."