BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
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I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
john wicks are toilet candles
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
🤣🤣🤣
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
@funTweeters
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.