I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
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If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*