Funny Tweeter

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Page of daddydoubts's best tweets

@daddydoubts : Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler? Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

@daddydoubts: Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

@daddydoubts: Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

@daddydoubts: Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

@daddydoubts: Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

@daddydoubts: My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

@daddydoubts: There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

@daddydoubts: My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

@daddydoubts: *First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.