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Page of daddydoubts's best tweets

@daddydoubts : My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

@daddydoubts: Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

@daddydoubts: We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

@daddydoubts: 2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

@daddydoubts: Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

@daddydoubts: Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

@daddydoubts: When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

@daddydoubts: Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

@daddydoubts: Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

@daddydoubts: Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.