The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
You Might Also Like
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.