@daemonic3: [at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won't start
MECHANIC: umm, that's a horse
ME: because my car won't start, are you even listening?
@daemonic3: [in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she's seen it*
@daemonic3: ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
@daemonic3: WIFE: It's always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It's about your suit of armor
@daemonic3: BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I'm taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I'll take Venus Day
@daemonic3: [getting urine test results]
You've tested positive for opiates-
ME: probably the bagel I had
-and THC, cocaine, steroids, and also you're pregnant
ME: it was an everything bagel
@daemonic3: Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
@daemonic3: JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven't decided
JUDAS: maybe you'll do both