@daemonic3: PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?
THE MACHINE: I do
PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-
RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS
@daemonic3: [superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There's an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
@daemonic3: [divorce court]
ME: ...and that's why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the "Netflix password"
@daemonic3: REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don't you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
@daemonic3: [spelling bee]
Your word is 'embarrassing'
"Oh I don't mind, you can say it"
No, it's really 'embarrassing'
"Ok, I promise not to laugh"
@daemonic3: They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
"Will dad ever wake from his coma?"
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET'S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I'M UP
"Any special talents?"
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
[flashes back to hacking off victims' fingers] Yes