@daemonic3: A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
@daemonic3: [operating room]
SURGEON: We've lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
@daemonic3: [grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
@daemonic3: FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
@daemonic3: [1st date]
HER: I'm really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
@daemonic3: [at funeral]
FRIEND: I'm sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn't get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It's ok, now she'll never know I lost
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks