Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation's spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

@daemonic3: Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat's off?

Dr: Hearts can't beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

@daemonic3: [watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can't believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

@daemonic3: Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

@daemonic3: [walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

@daemonic3: Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

@daemonic3: FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

@daemonic3: [invention of croutons]

Let's make eating salad hurt

@daemonic3: PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?

THE MACHINE: I do

PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-

RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS

@daemonic3: [superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There's an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes