Funny Tweeter

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Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don't you dare ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

@daemonic3: [spelling bee]

Your word is 'embarrassing'

"Oh I don't mind, you can say it"

No, it's really 'embarrassing'

"Ok, I promise not to laugh"

@daemonic3: They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

@daemonic3: [hospital]

"Will dad ever wake from his coma?"

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET'S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I'M UP

@daemonic3: [interview]

"Any special talents?"

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

"By hacking?"

[flashes back to hacking off victims' fingers] Yes

@daemonic3: Who called it an "insanity plea" and not a "loco motion"?

@daemonic3: [spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

"Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk"

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

@daemonic3: WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I'd like to hear the chef's special

WAITER: Oh yes he's very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

@daemonic3: THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don't qualify to be a therapy dog

@daemonic3: This year I'm the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn't seen me standing here for an hour