Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : [prison] So, what are you in for? *flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows* "Attempted murder"

@daemonic3: WIFE: i'm leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it's because you won't stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

@daemonic3: WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

@daemonic3: ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that's how straws work

@daemonic3: [home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

@daemonic3: WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

@daemonic3: [1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

@daemonic3: [1st date]

*ok don't let her know you're a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

"Sir, do you mean matinee?"

Dammit

@daemonic3: WIFE: I can't take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. "Simon says" sign these divorce papers

@daemonic3: The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.