Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins? KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins! ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

@daemonic3: [1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it's my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just... autumn off the trees

@daemonic3: PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

@daemonic3: [candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?


WIFE: Apple?


WIFE: Lavender?


ME: Let's go, this guy lacks common scents

@daemonic3: JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don't have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

@daemonic3: [at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

"American or Swiss?"

I'm flying Swiss

"I mean for cheese?"

No, for business

@daemonic3: ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

@daemonic3: ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I'm not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: "Tomb it may concern…"

@daemonic3: [1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I'll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

@daemonic3: [on date]

"I think we should take this a step farther"

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*