@daemonic3: Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat's off?
Dr: Hearts can't beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
@daemonic3: [watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can't believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
@daemonic3: [walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
@daemonic3: Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
@daemonic3: FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
@daemonic3: PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?
THE MACHINE: I do
PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-
RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS
@daemonic3: [superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There's an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes