@daemonic3: you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
@daemonic3: [during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
@daemonic3: Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn't worry too much about any germs. Here's your baby back.
@daemonic3: [airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
@daemonic3: ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
@daemonic3: [buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos' divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
@daemonic3: [bank heist]
rob: what's the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it's "rob"
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
@daemonic3: ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it's a Civic
@daemonic3: friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that's out of my league, better find me a 4