@daemonic3: FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
ME: Wow, I didn't know your kid named his teeth
@daemonic3: INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
@daemonic3: [1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
@daemonic3: [drinks milk from carton]
WHY AREN'T YOU USING A GLASS?!?
"I went to the eye doctor"
What does that mean?
"He said I don't need glasses"
What's your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
@daemonic3: Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
"Aww, what a nice name"
It's her dad's, so I picked his middle name
"What is it?"
@daemonic3: FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world's deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!