Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : [doing group photography] ME: now let me take one without the flash THE FLASH: what the- REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let's hear him out

@daemonic3: [at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won't start

MECHANIC: umm, that's a horse

ME: because my car won't start, are you even listening?

@daemonic3: [in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she's seen it*

@daemonic3: ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

@daemonic3: WIFE: It's always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It's about your suit of armor

@daemonic3: BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I'm taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I'll take Venus Day

@daemonic3: [getting urine test results]

You've tested positive for opiates-

ME: probably the bagel I had

-and THC, cocaine, steroids, and also you're pregnant

ME: it was an everything bagel

@daemonic3: Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

@daemonic3: FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

@daemonic3: JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven't decided

JUDAS: maybe you'll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?