Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

@daemonic3: you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

@daemonic3: [during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

@daemonic3: Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn't worry too much about any germs. Here's your baby back.

@daemonic3: [airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

@daemonic3: ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

@daemonic3: [buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos' divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

@daemonic3: [bank heist]

rob: what's the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it's "rob"

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

@daemonic3: ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it's a Civic

@daemonic3: friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that's out of my league, better find me a 4