@daemonic3: [spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
"Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk"
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
@daemonic3: WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I'd like to hear the chef's special
WAITER: Oh yes he's very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
@daemonic3: THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: They told me I don't qualify to be a therapy dog
@daemonic3: This year I'm the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn't seen me standing here for an hour
@daemonic3: [at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
@daemonic3: FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
ME: Wow, I didn't know your kid named his teeth
@daemonic3: INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
@daemonic3: [1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives