Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : [invention of croutons] Let's make eating salad hurt

@daemonic3: PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?

THE MACHINE: I do

PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-

RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS

@daemonic3: [superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There's an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

@daemonic3: [divorce court]

ME: ...and that's why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the "Netflix password"

@daemonic3: REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don't you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

@daemonic3: [spelling bee]

Your word is 'embarrassing'

"Oh I don't mind, you can say it"

No, it's really 'embarrassing'

"Ok, I promise not to laugh"

@daemonic3: They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

@daemonic3: [hospital]

"Will dad ever wake from his coma?"

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET'S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I'M UP

@daemonic3: [interview]

"Any special talents?"

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

"By hacking?"

[flashes back to hacking off victims' fingers] Yes

@daemonic3: Who called it an "insanity plea" and not a "loco motion"?