Funny Tweeter

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Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : [gets pulled over] me: problem, officer? cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me [2hrs 36m later] me: how was that cop: did you really need the "bottles of beer on the wall" part before every number

@daemonic3: ME: I'd like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it's buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

@daemonic3: [on phone]

ME: Babe what's the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

@daemonic3: SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

@daemonic3: me: so you're just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

@daemonic3: PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

@daemonic3: [westworld]

robot: sorry human, but us robots are taking over now

me: *holds up a CAPTCHA*

robot: fuck

@daemonic3: me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

@daemonic3: ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

@daemonic3: [math class]

ME: today we'll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what's the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we're all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that's the decimal