@daemonic3: WIFE: i'm leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it's because you won't stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
@daemonic3: WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
@daemonic3: ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that's how straws work
@daemonic3: [home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
@daemonic3: WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
@daemonic3: [1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
@daemonic3: [1st date]
*ok don't let her know you're a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
"Sir, do you mean matinee?"
@daemonic3: WIFE: I can't take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
WIFE: Fine! You win. "Simon says" sign these divorce papers
@daemonic3: The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.