Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : dentist: today we're going to do dental impressions me: ok, tOdAY wE'Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth [later] dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that

@daemonic3: [helping kid with math]

me: what is 0.1 as a fraction?

kid: one tenth

me: good, and what does 10% mean?

kid: battery low, plug in your phone

me: perfect

@daemonic3: me: $20 on pump three

cashier: that's the cheese dispenser

@daemonic3: Which of these is a deadly virus?
A) Bola
B) Bola
C) Bola
D) Bola
E) Bola

@daemonic3: [on date]

her: what are you doing on your phone?

me: an update

her: what update?

me: not much, what up with you

@daemonic3: kid: dad I can't sleep

me: why not?

kid: do you see that monster under my bed?

me: [looks under bed] OMG yes

kid: well I drank the whole can :(

@daemonic3: me: i always get so hungry when i'm high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no

@daemonic3: date: this is my first time at a french restaurant

me: i feel like i've been here once before

date: are you having deja vu?

me: no i'm having the chicken

@daemonic3: [math class]

teacher: ok, so how would you order a subway footlong in metric countries where they don't have feet?

me: by crawling to the counter lmao

teacher: again, please get out of my class, or your son gets an F

@daemonic3: [Easter Sunday]

Who wants to try my Easter bunny microbrew?

"Dad, don't"

With extra HOPS!

"Dad, stop"


[Uncle Ted pukes]