Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : me: alexa what happens when we die alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering me: wait what alexa: what

@daemonic3: ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

@daemonic3: [math class]

ME: today we'll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what's the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we're all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that's the decimal

@daemonic3: *is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

@daemonic3: WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what's wrong with it?

@daemonic3: "So how was your date?"

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

"That wasn't a good idea"

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

@daemonic3: [on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

@daemonic3: [prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

"Attempted murder"

@daemonic3: WIFE: i'm leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it's because you won't stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

@daemonic3: WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok


ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud