Funny Tweeter

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Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth ME: Really? Which one? FRIEND: Katie ME: Wow, I didn't know your kid named his teeth

@daemonic3: INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

@daemonic3: [1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

@daemonic3: [date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

@daemonic3: Oh, you're a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they've smoked

@daemonic3: [drinks milk from carton]

WHY AREN'T YOU USING A GLASS?!?

"I went to the eye doctor"

What does that mean?

"He said I don't need glasses"

@daemonic3: [interview]

What's your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

@daemonic3: Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

"Aww, what a nice name"

It's her dad's, so I picked his middle name

"What is it?"

Theskywithdiamonds

@daemonic3: FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world's deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

@daemonic3: [God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon