Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : [interview] "Any special talents?" I can unlock any fingerprint reader "By hacking?" [flashes back to hacking off victims' fingers] Yes

@daemonic3: Who called it an "insanity plea" and not a "loco motion"?

@daemonic3: [spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

"Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk"

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

@daemonic3: WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I'd like to hear the chef's special

WAITER: Oh yes he's very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

@daemonic3: THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]


ME: They told me I don't qualify to be a therapy dog

@daemonic3: This year I'm the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn't seen me standing here for an hour

@daemonic3: [at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

@daemonic3: "Update your Adobe or you'll be sleeping with the fishes"

- Flash mob

@daemonic3: FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?


ME: Wow, I didn't know your kid named his teeth

@daemonic3: INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano


ME: No, just with my hands