Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : [1st day as IT guy] CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help? ME: I'll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

@daemonic3: [on date]

"I think we should take this a step farther"

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

@daemonic3: "ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?"

- Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

@daemonic3: 50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

@daemonic3: [road trip]

ME: I'm hungry, let's stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don't have that kind of time

@daemonic3: [1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

@daemonic3: [on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying "I could care less"

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it's "I could care fewer"

@daemonic3: I'm a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I'm wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

@daemonic3: [solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone's taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

@daemonic3: The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation's spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs