Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of daemonic3's best tweets

@daemonic3 : MAN: [having heart attack] HELP...CAN'T...MOVE ME: Dude, are you ok?! MAN: [faintly] CALL...ME...A...DOCTOR ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

@daemonic3: A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

@daemonic3: [operating room]

SURGEON: We've lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

@daemonic3: [grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

@daemonic3: FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

@daemonic3: The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

@daemonic3: [1st date]

HER: I'm really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

@daemonic3: [at funeral]

FRIEND: I'm sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn't get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It's ok, now she'll never know I lost

@daemonic3: [restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

@daemonic3: Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus