Funny Tweeter

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Page of dafloydsta's best tweets

@dafloydsta : [first date] HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings. ME: *leans in close* I don't care what you like.

@dafloydsta: GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we'll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

@dafloydsta: [job interview]

"Tell me a strength."

I'm a decision maker.

"Excellent. How about a weakness?"

I'm a bad decision maker.

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

@dafloydsta: [first date]

HER: I'm a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don't look anything like a cat

@dafloydsta: WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

@dafloydsta: [first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?

@dafloydsta: [at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there