Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dafloydsta's best tweets

@dafloydsta : FRIEND: Women like when you're mysterious ME: Okay [later on date] HER: So where are we going tonight? ME: None of your goddamn business

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE'D BE MATH

@dafloydsta: [job interview]

"Tell me one of your long term goals"

Sleeping

"No, I meant-"

*leans in way too close* My answer isn't going to change

@dafloydsta: [at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

@dafloydsta: [first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don't care what you like.

@dafloydsta: GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we'll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

@dafloydsta: [job interview]

"Tell me a strength."

I'm a decision maker.

"Excellent. How about a weakness?"

I'm a bad decision maker.

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

@dafloydsta: [first date]

HER: I'm a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don't look anything like a cat