Funny Tweeter

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Page of dafloydsta's best tweets

@dafloydsta : [job interview] "Tell me about yourself." I have a lot of experience. "Great, can you elaborate?" They're bad experiences.

@dafloydsta: [first day as a lawyer]

ME: Clearly my client is guilty, your Honor.

JUDGE: *pinching bridge of nose* Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

@dafloydsta: WIFE: You promised you'd take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

@dafloydsta: [on unemployment]
WIFE: So what'd you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

@dafloydsta: [flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I'm the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

@dafloydsta: [about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer's ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

@dafloydsta: [job interview]
"And why do you want to be a fireman?"
So I can fire people.
"That's not what a-"
*clenching fists* You're gonna be first.

@dafloydsta: [first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I'll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

@dafloydsta: [job interview]
"Why do you want to be a librarian?"
I like people
"What do you like about them?"
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

@dafloydsta: [date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.