Funny Tweeter

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Page of dafloydsta's best tweets

@dafloydsta : [first date] HER: I'm really into the outdoors type. ME: [trying to impress] I'm homeless.

@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling]

She's constantly mad at me

"There are squirrels living in our house"

THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN

@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

@dafloydsta: [first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

@dafloydsta: DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

@dafloydsta: [trying to impress date]

HER: I really want to have children.

ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.

@dafloydsta: WIFE: Just face it, it's a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

@dafloydsta: HER: A man at work saved someone's life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

@dafloydsta: [job interview]
"What's your biggest weakness?"
I make poor decisions
"Can you explain?"
Sure, but let's do some shots first

@dafloydsta: [spelling bee]

Your word is 'sarcasm'

"Can you use it in a sentence?"

Ooooo I would love to