@dafloydsta: [first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I'm a psychopath.
@dafloydsta: ME: I'm dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling]
She thinks I'm foolish with money
"He used our life savings to buy a tiger"
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
@dafloydsta: WIFE: He won't stop pretending he's Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We'll hear more of Karen's lies. Up next.
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
@dafloydsta: [creating squirrels]
GOD: How about a nice bushy tail?
GOD: Now give it some cocaine, lmao.
@dafloydsta: [girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.