@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling]
She's constantly mad at me
"There are squirrels living in our house"
THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
@dafloydsta: [first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
@dafloydsta: DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
@dafloydsta: [trying to impress date]
HER: I really want to have children.
ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Just face it, it's a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
@dafloydsta: HER: A man at work saved someone's life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
@dafloydsta: [job interview]
"What's your biggest weakness?"
I make poor decisions
"Can you explain?"
Sure, but let's do some shots first
@dafloydsta: [spelling bee]
Your word is 'sarcasm'
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
Ooooo I would love to