Funny Tweeter

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Page of dafloydsta's best tweets

@dafloydsta : Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

@dafloydsta: [commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

@dafloydsta: ME: I assume you don't want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like when you're mysterious
ME: Okay
[later on date]
HER: So where are we going tonight?
ME: None of your goddamn business

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE'D BE MATH

@dafloydsta: [job interview]

"Tell me one of your long term goals"

Sleeping

"No, I meant-"

*leans in way too close* My answer isn't going to change

@dafloydsta: [at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

@dafloydsta: [first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don't care what you like.

@dafloydsta: GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we'll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.