Funny Tweeter

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Page of dafloydsta's best tweets

@dafloydsta : Why my coworker hates me: He sends meeting invite for 2pm. I propose new time of 2:03. He revises, sends update. I decline meeting.

@dafloydsta: [at a bar]

ME: I'm gonna ask that girl out.

FRIEND: Okay, but don't be weird.

SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don't say anything stupid.

@dafloydsta: [job interview]

"Tell me about yourself."

I'm a bit of a grammar freak.

"Can you explain?"

I don't know, CAN I?

@dafloydsta: WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

@dafloydsta: [date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

@dafloydsta: ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it's hot in here and I'm really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

@dafloydsta: [first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You're not going to tell her about us?

@dafloydsta: [first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you'll never pay off ur student loans

@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

"He stole a penguin from the zoo."

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

@dafloydsta: [first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago