Funny Tweeter

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Page of dafloydsta's best tweets

@dafloydsta : [first date] HER: I just love a man who's not afraid to be honest. ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

@dafloydsta: [first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I'm a psychopath.

@dafloydsta: ME: I'm dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling]

She thinks I'm foolish with money

"He used our life savings to buy a tiger"

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

@dafloydsta: WIFE: He won't stop pretending he's Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We'll hear more of Karen's lies. Up next.

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

@dafloydsta: [creating squirrels]
GOD: How about a nice bushy tail?
ANGEL: Perfect.
GOD: Now give it some cocaine, lmao.
ANGEL: Wtf.

@dafloydsta: [knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?

@dafloydsta: [girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

@dafloydsta: [date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.