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Page of dafloydsta's best tweets

@dafloydsta : PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married? ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT 'SUPPOSABLY' *priest slowly backs away*

@dafloydsta: [about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

@dafloydsta: COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn't floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That's a Star Wars reference.

@dafloydsta: JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: We're looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

@dafloydsta: [date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What's your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like when you're honest with them.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn't bring any money.

@dafloydsta: [bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it'll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

@dafloydsta: [job interview]

"Tell me about yourself."

I have a lot of experience.

"Great, can you elaborate?"

They're bad experiences.