@dafloydsta: ME: I assume you don't want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like when you're mysterious
[later on date]
HER: So where are we going tonight?
ME: None of your goddamn business
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE'D BE MATH
@dafloydsta: [job interview]
"Tell me one of your long term goals"
"No, I meant-"
*leans in way too close* My answer isn't going to change
@dafloydsta: [first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don't care what you like.
@dafloydsta: GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we'll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.