@dafloydsta: Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
@dafloydsta: [at a bar]
ME: I'm gonna ask that girl out.
FRIEND: Okay, but don't be weird.
SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don't say anything stupid.
@dafloydsta: [job interview]
"Tell me about yourself."
I'm a bit of a grammar freak.
"Can you explain?"
I don't know, CAN I?
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
@dafloydsta: ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it's hot in here and I'm really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
@dafloydsta: [first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You're not going to tell her about us?
@dafloydsta: [first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: *whispering to millennials* you'll never pay off ur student loans
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
"He stole a penguin from the zoo."
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.