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Page of dafloydsta's best tweets

@dafloydsta : Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

@dafloydsta: Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

@dafloydsta: [at a bar]

ME: I'm gonna ask that girl out.

FRIEND: Okay, but don't be weird.

SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don't say anything stupid.

@dafloydsta: [job interview]

"Tell me about yourself."

I'm a bit of a grammar freak.

"Can you explain?"

I don't know, CAN I?

@dafloydsta: WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

@dafloydsta: [date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

@dafloydsta: ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it's hot in here and I'm really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

@dafloydsta: [first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You're not going to tell her about us?

@dafloydsta: [first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you'll never pay off ur student loans

@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

"He stole a penguin from the zoo."

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.