@dafloydsta: [about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
@dafloydsta: COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn't floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
ME: *leans in really close* That's a Star Wars reference.
@dafloydsta: JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: We're looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What's your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like when you're honest with them.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn't bring any money.
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it'll be easier for the monsters to find you?
@dafloydsta: [job interview]
"Tell me about yourself."
I have a lot of experience.
"Great, can you elaborate?"
They're bad experiences.