squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
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ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Baking is just science you can eat.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good