perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving