Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
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I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
This why you should mind your business
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!