hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
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Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
This line from Airplane.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?