If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
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The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.