What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv