Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
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[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
My life coach traded me.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!