Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
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calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!