You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
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I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
True
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples