Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dannyboy7813's best tweets

@dannyboy7813 : Me: I've got the singing voice of an angle Friend: Don't you mean angel? M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

@dannyboy7813: The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it's like the longest break up ever

@dannyboy7813: *first date*

Her: I'm a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it's just an owl

H: Well, aren't you a hoot

@dannyboy7813: Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That's Karen. She works here

@dannyboy7813: First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

@dannyboy7813: My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

@dannyboy7813: I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

@dannyboy7813: First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

@dannyboy7813: Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I've seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn't know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

@dannyboy7813: Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.