My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
#JohnTravolta
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”